Great Hand Job

I really can't tell why? and who gets more fun, every one will interpreted this as he wish.

Great Gear

How do you call that kind of gear?

 
Great Gear on the Beach

The Naked Ice Cream Seller

Strip Tease Goes Wrong

Strip Tease goes wrong

That episode belongs probably to the book Heart by De Amicis about the boy who was nursing for weeks the wrong father isn't it?

Chastity Belts Are Back!!!

My friend Gordon just sent me an e-mail regarding the new trend of Chastity  Belts. Check here are some hilarious clips.

At the Locksmith shop - prank

Release My Pussy - prank

Man Chastity Belt its for Fetishism

The Bird is closed baby.

Machine Job

The 21 century will belong to the women. In China, India and other far east countries the ratio of male vs female is moving from 1.02 to 1.07 which in another 25-30 years cause a shortage of women. The figures today in China shows about 50 million males which will not find a bride.

Due to modern approaches the parents  will be able to control the desired gender of their babies. So especially the Muslims will choose to give birth to males.

Now the engineers developed new sex machines which will supply "Machine Job"

More Sex Toys

Living Doll

Love Chair

Free Sex In The Pharmacy

Where To Buy Condoms Version 1
Gordon went to a pharmacy and asked to buy condoms.
Pharmacist: "What size do you want?" 
Gordon:" I do not know"
Pharmacist: "Come into the back room"
Entering into the room she pulled up her dress and Gordon fucked her when they finished she told him "you have extra large, How many packs you require? " "Give me a dozen" replied Gordon
    Gordon told Tom about the quickie he got today. The next day Tom entered the pharmacy and asked to buy condoms.
Pharmacist: "What size do you want?"
Tom:" I don't know"
Pharmacist: "Come into the back room"
Entering into the room she pulled up her dress and Tom fucked her when they finished she told him "you have Normal size, How many packs do you want? " "Thanks, I don't need anything, I just came for measuring" replied Tom

Great clip I'm getting a lay
 

Where To Buy Condoms Version 2
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 22. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. The senior pharmacist asked his daughter to help me. Dee was a mature women her red hair and her huge breast circulate the blood in my face. I know she could see that I am virgin and that's my first time. Dee asked me about the size and I mumbled Normal, so she handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No, not really."

So Dee unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she grabbed me behind the curtain, she undressed and I have got the best erection, and Dee likes it  Dee whispered "Hurry wear the condom and give me good time" So I pumped her till I explode.
She pushed me and yelled at me. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "sure did!", and held up my thumb to show her.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus 

Anything you can do, I can do better!!!

 Nag, Nag, Nag and Punch    
   A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me.
   "Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

credit to http://gotaf.socialtwist.com/redirect?l=fv2o

Connect Six

Q. Six gays were lined up one after the other
     Each pushed his cock into the asshole in front of him
     Who enjoyed the most ?

A. The Second Fag?
Q. Why?



A. He got a full Ass? his cock drilled the well? and finally he gave a Hand Job to the first Guy!!!

Old Whorehouse at St Denis

    Bobby is a 35 years old guy, and he is still a virgin. Finally on his 36 birthday he decided to get rid of his fears and shame. So he headed to Paris to buy a good lay at Rue Saint-Denis. Rue Saint-Denis is well known all over the world as a place with the best whores of Europe. one more important detail about Bobby, he is a miser, and rarely spend a penny on clothes, beers, entertainment etc.
    The concierge at his two star Hotel gave him an address and now he was walking the streets to get to the whorehouse. Bobby went into the lobby and didn't sip the beverages served by the waiters and found himself looking the signs on the walls. leading him to two huge doors. On the first door he saw a sign "Big Cocks" and the other sign "Small Willies". Bobby muttered to himself "I know mine is a small size" so he head the left corridor, after walking about 100 steps, he came to a junction left and right the signs here shows <500 Euro right>and < 200 Euro left>. Okay guess which was Bobby's choice? so again he walked a long corridor watching the signs on the doors. 200 Euro, 180 Euro and to the end of the corridor he stopped and hesitated for a minute in front of a door with a tag of 130 Euro. Then he saw two more signs at the junction. The signs here shows cheaper rates <100 Euro right> and <50 Euro left>. Bobby took the left corridor walking along 50 Euro doors, 25 Euro doors and than finally he found himself in the street. As the heavy gate closed behind, he saw a sign "If you have nor MONEY neither DICK - GO FUCK YOURSELF"

Visit my new Doctor

 I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous! 

   I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before." Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."

   I said. "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

Note: That joke was sent to me by e-mail.  source  Pics source

Lady Godiva 2011

Sandra G. from Edgar Lledó on Vimeo.

Pretty woman walking naked in Barcelona she reminds me the legend about Lady Godiva
 

Red Light District

   Fuck Them All
   The driver stop the bus and 36 young Persian teenagers went out off the bus, their guide shows them the Red Light District and told them to be back in the bus two hours later. The leader of the group had tailored a nice deal 1500 Euro for the all group. The boys entered one after the other, and after an hour the sucky fucky was over.
   The hooker ran quickly to deposit the money in the bank. The clerk checks the bills and notice that all the notes are fake money. She turns to the hooker and says "I assume they screwed you."
The hooker replied "Really Is that how I look?"

The Red Light District tour

How Much?
   A team of Polish contractors arrived once to Amsterdam, for a professional  meeting. Two of the team walked around searching the streets, finally they entered the Red Light District when suddenly Vladek, notices all the nice windows with the working girls petting their cats. He stops by one closed window, evaluate it then he knocked it twice, when the hooker opened it Vladek asked her "what does this cost ??!!".And the hooker replies,"50 Euro for one 80 Euro for two!!" Than Vladek told Lech ,"Hmm, you see I told you the prices here for double glaze insulated windows are cheaper than in Warsaw".

The Kid in the Glazier Scene

Find the Dickhead

    Find a Dickhead in the coffee beans!!! If you find him between six seconds and one minute, you may continue drinking coffee normally. If you have not found him after two minutes, the advice is stop boozing!!!

The Horny Donkey

    Little Johnny was playing at the ranch with his dog. Suddenly he heard the donkey braying, so Johnny noticed something new the donkey had grown a fifth leg. Little Johnny ran into the shed grabbed out his Dad and asked him about this phenomenon. 

    Dad told him "it looks like our donkey suffers of a donkeys flu, we will call the vet tomorrow" 

The next day once again Johnny noticed the fifth leg phenomenon he called Mom and told her "our donkey looks very ill". Mother came out of the kitchen watched carefully the donkey and finally asked "How do you know this Johnny?" Johnny replied "Dad told me that the donkey have a donkeys flu"  Mom laughed and told Johnny "the donkey is Okay, I wish Dad will have that kind of donkeys flu"

Here you see the fifth leg
Don't worry that's a piece of Photoshop job.

     

What a sexy family

   My friend Pedro sent me that clip, believe it or not, many families will be very helpful on call.
The story began as Pedro went shopping the condoms at the local pharmacy. The pharmacist asked him how many do you like? "one" replied Pedro, but after a minute he said "two, maybe I will screw her Mom too" As Pedro arrived to his girlfriends Lola's home he met the pharmacist which was of course Lola's Dad. And here our story begins.


Lola call for help


 

Size or Performance

   Learn all the simple facts about sex, make it simple. First read the post Sex Dictionary which will give you all the realistic truth about sizes and performance. If you have any questions do not hesitate to ask me. but before scan all my hilarious tales and learn from my rich experience, and my best friend Gordon.

Lesson No 1

Sex Lessons For Women

Teenagers Sex Education

Lesson No 2 - Cock Rings

Ladies Can Now Pee like Men

   Today I got an email about a new product which enable women to pee the way men do. So buy yourself some GoGirl containers and don't worry about your natural needs.
GoGirl Device



Another Cardboard Peeing Device



Ladies Can't Pee like Men - Hilarious Clip

How Old Are You?

   Mark was a self made man. He established his business, ten years ago with his bare hands.  Three years ago, all at the sudden his business collapsed, the loan sharks pushed him to the corner and he lost his house, his wife Ann divorced and very soon he became a homeless.
   Mark became desperate, and after three months on the streets he decided to get suicide. At midnight he went to the bridge climbed up the rail, closed his eyes, raised his foot and prayed "God forgive me", he heard someone calling with a shrilled voice "Don't do this come to me". Mark opened his eyes and saw an old woman wearing rags and he got scarred. The old odd woman said to him "Come to me my son, please don't do it". So Mark asked her "who are you?". "I am the good Fairy, and I came to save your life, here is my bottle imp which will return your fortune back" replied the old woman. Mark went down and came closer to the woman. She was the ugliest creature he ever seen, she was stinking like rotten fishes, but her speech pleased him. The old Fairy continued "Just imagine all your money, factories, house and your wife and kids will return after you will open that bottle". The old Fairy proceeded "but in one condition, you must make love with me twice".
   Mark was so desperate and he agree to make love with the old witch. She grabbed him to her place, and after he finished screwing her the second time he asked her to give him the bottle  imp. He opened the cork and nothing happened. "Dear Fairy whats wrong here" Mark said "what happened to your power, and your promise?" the old woman starts laughing "how old are you man?" "I am 42 years old" Mark cried in frustration. "and my big boy, you still believe Fairy Tales?"
   

Ball's Scrubbing

     When Johnny comes marching home from the first Gulf war, The Governor of Missouri fixed him a job at Boeing St Louis MO. The chief Manager of the personal department interviewed Johnny, and after looking into his files, he assigned him to the final assembly Department. at building 11, you shall start at 10 a.m. each day. So Johnny asked "why at 10 a.m.?,  when do all the staff starting?".

    The Manager replied "all the company starts at 8 a.m., but they all scrubbing their balls from 8 a.m till 10 a.m" Johnny looked embarrassed, but asked him "so why shall I start at 10 a.m.?"   

The Manager explained him "according to my files you lost your balls at the Gulf war, last year, so you have nothing to do till 10 a.m."

    Johnny worked for several years and after ten years Johnny was called to the personal Manager's office "Hey Johnny how do you do with us so far?" Johnny "no complains" "Okay, Johnny from tomorrow you will start each day at 8 a.m."

Why ? asked Johnny, from tomorrow you are assigned to scrub Tommy's Balls , cause Tommy lost his hands at Afghanistan, and will start working in your department."

Gabe scratching his balls

I found that poem at the WC, NYC

Some people sit and think!
Some people make shit and stink!
But I sit, and scrub my balls,
And read the Bullshits on the walls.

Dee Needs a New Bed

Bed Is Too Low

View more presentations from Hatem Shamaa

Lorraine goes bed hunting

Mony Python - Buying A Bed

The Margarine Engine

    My friend Gordon has succeeded to upgraded a Wankel Engine into a semi cycle Perpetuum Mobile Hydrogen Engine using margarine instead of fuel. That prototype Engine was a big saver, since its margarine consumption was about one pound per week. Gordon installed that terrific engine into his Ford Mustang model 1970 car, and was driving without paying attention to fuel raising prices.

    But one night as he was driving in Toronto for business, his engine shuts down. Gordon found out that he is out of margarine. He opened his trunk and the margarine refrigerator, was empty too, no margarine. Gordon looked around, it was late, about 22:00 p.m no open shops were in that neighborhood so he enter the first building trying to get some help. At floors one and two no one answered his knocking, at floor three a redneck almost punched him, so Gordon climbed  to the fourth floor, ringed the door bell, no one came over but he was hearing the TV on, broadcasting a popular program, Gordon ringed again the bell and this time he pushed the door which was unlocked!!
     Gordon entered the dining room and saw the whole family father, mother and two teenager daughters, sitting and gazing at him without saying a word. Gordon started "Good evening, can you help me, I need margarine" no one replied???, so he repeated "will you helping me with some margarine" again no one of the family replied?? Okay now you remember my friend Gordon? he became horny while looking on the house lady, he took and laid her on the sofa and made a quickie. Silence in the apartment, no one cried or said anything, and Gordon repeated another quickie with the one of the good looking girls, again silence no one even mumbled.
Now Gordon ask the other girl to allow him another quickie, after they were coming, Gordon repeated "now for God sake bring me some margarine".
    The father now stand up and said "Okay, I will take the puppy out for a walk" 

Remember the Last Tango in Paris? The butter Scene

Last Tango In Paris Trailer 

 

Fifteen cents Jokes

Junkies

   The Criminology school at UCPM (College Park) is one of the world's top ten. The Professor had conducted an oral exam. The students were asked to offer an approach "how to prevent teenagers using drugs"

   Marty the most brilliant student draw out two coins, a dime (10 cents) and a quarter (25 cents) and then showing on the quarter "that's your brain before using, and it will shrink to a dime size while using" all the students applauded, "brilliant, I like your approach" said the professor.

   Now Gordon from the NYPD who have ten years experience on the NYC streets said: "Okay, that's fine, but I would use those two coins in a better approach", the professor disliked Gordon because he was snoozing during his lectures, but let him continue. Gordon said "your ass hole is a dime size now, but after you get out of Jail, it will become like a quarter" Oh, The professor had to admit that Gordon's answer is better than Marty's. 

The Butyrka Band  (Butyrka is a famous Prison in Moscow)

Brides

    Dee went to the Minister and asked him she wanted a divorce.                                                    Minister: "Tell me please, what happened, you just married Don last year?"

Dee: "My ass hole was the size of a dime before marriage and now it has become a quarter"

Minister: "Dear Dee, what's the matter, you shouldn't divorce just because of 15 cents"

15 Cents Song

Buckets of Water

On our Cadet ship we had so many drills during the week, but now let me tell you about the fire drill. When someone new arrived, Gordon used to make fun of him.                         

Gordon: "How many buckets can you fetch to the fire zone?"

Bob Jr.: "Two, one in each hand"

Gordon:"I can carry Three" 

Bob Jr.:"How can you carry three?"

Gordon: "One in each hand and the third on my Dong!!!"

Bob Jr.:"Okay, Then I will carry three buckets full of water too"

Gordon:"Well, well, so now I will carry five!!!"

Bob Jr.:"Five? how come?"

Gordon:"Two in my hands and you on my Dong"

Listen to my Favorite Naval Song!!! God Bless the Sailors all over the Huge Oceans

 

Read more about Gordon in the previous post "Connect Two"

Connect Two

   Gordon sailed with us for eighteen months on a Cadet ship. He used to train his Dong every day, by hanging a bucket on it and adding pints of water into the bucket. Gordon always was teasing the staff to bet who can hold the bucket with the most amount of water. He always won the bets.  

   One day we docked at Cadiz port, Spain. We got off the ship and Gordon picked up a whore, and went to her room. He asked her "how much is a regular fuck?" she told him one hundred bucks. Gordon asked her "How much for a blow job?" the Prostitute replied "for you 200 bucks." "Okay, give me a blow job" he said, as he took out his wallet to pay her, she noticed his wallet is full of dough. The whore took his cloths off and as Gordon pushed his Dong into the hooker's maw, suddenly she clenched her teeth tightly like a Crocodile and told him "give me the wallet or I'll cut your cock into two parts!!" What choice had the poor Dude, he gave her the money and bolted back to the ship.

   Four months later we returned to Cadiz. Gordon found the whore which of course couldn't remember him. Gordon took her to her room, asked her "how much for a regular?" she told him one hundred bucks. Gordon then asked her "How much for an anal sex?" the whore replied "for you 400 bucks". "Okay, I like an anal sex" Gordon paid the whore. As he was inside he curved his Dong, telling the whore "give me my money back, or I'm gonna to connect your two tunnels into one" 

Sex Dictionary

    Everybody heard about the book One Thousand and One Nights  the Synopsis (see the Wikipedia site) The main frame story concerns a Persian king and his new bride. He is shocked to discover that his brother's wife is unfaithful; discovering his own wife's infidelity has been even more flagrant, he has her executed: but in his bitterness and grief decides that all women are the same. The king, Shahryar, begins to marry a succession of virgins only to execute each one the next morning, before she has a chance to dishonor him. Eventually the vizier, whose duty it is to provide them, cannot find any more virgins. Scheherazade, the vizier's daughter, offers herself as the next bride and her father reluctantly agrees. On the night of their marriage, Scheherazade begins to tell the king a tale, but does not end it. The king is thus forced to postpone her execution in order to hear the conclusion. The next night, as soon as she finishes the tale, she begins (and only begins) a new one, and the king, eager to hear the conclusion, postpones her execution once again. So it goes on for 1,001 nights.The tales vary widely: they include historical tales, love stories, tragedies, comedies, poems, burlesques and various forms of erotica. 

   I brought you this introduction to introduce the Arabic linguistic richness of male and female genitalia.   Scheherazade, told the king, that the Arabic language uses about one thousand names for the penis, but less then one hundred for the female's vagina? Today many western languages, are using dozens of names calling the penis, in English one can find about 125 names. 
Now as we know, Donna Juanita had great experience with many males, and she sort the males private parts into seven main categories:
1. Penis - shorter than three  inch. use it to pee only.
2. Willy - about four inch. its good enough for all practical purposes. 
3. Dick - about five inch. most women feels very comfortable with him. 
4. Chode (Choad) - about five inch but about six inch circumference.

5. Cock (Sausage) - about six inch and about five inch circumference.
6. Ding Dong - remind her a pencil about eight inch long and about four inch circumference.
7. Dong (Dork) - longer than nine inch with a six inch circumference. most women dislike  
    Dongs,  but Donna Juanita is still searching for.

Dudes don't worry about your size even Donna Juanita, prefer your Credit Card, she will hide it in her cha-cha and will call you "OMG I am shopping" 

Donna Juanita

     Don Juan was very famous in our town, as a libertine who takes great pleasure in seducing women, they fell in love, but none of them hooked him. Don made love with many women, he acted like a rooster, handling his chickens. he try his luck with most of the women in town, young old, pretty, nice he really don't care.
    One day he had met a charming girl named Donna Juanita. And he tried very hard to get a lay. Donna Juanita played her game, and she didn't allow him even to get close enough, she allowed him, just kissing her hand. After a courtship period of two years, Don get mad, and decided to marry with Donna. After the wedding ceremony was over finally Don took Dona to the bed room.
    Don undressed revealing his private parts, Donna looked so shy, and Don started to explain her, the facts of life, and what will happen next. Don showed her his penis and told her "this is my Dong which will meet your groove". Donna cried "That's not a Dong, that's a penis". Don Juan tried again to explain her he has a Dong. Donna continued crying  "your penis is good for pee, I needs a real Dong, not a penis like that"!!! ..............To be continued.....

Three Women Jokes

No 1   Alice, Betty and Carol, three young women were sitting, at the neighborhood coffee shop having their weekly meeting. Then Alice starts telling them "Alex my husband, stop having sex with me". I asked him "what's up?" but Alex told me "I am in stress now, leave me alone". So the other night, I caught Alex masturbating while watching porn movies. Betty asked her "how did you respond?" Alice told them she will shop some sexy Lingerie, maybe that will be the trigger.

   Betty then told her friends, she had found a pack of condoms at her husband Brad's suit. Betty continued telling them "It's funny because I am taking pills, and we never used condoms". "So how did you respond?" wondered Alice. "I pierced each of them with a needle" replied Betty. By hearing this Carol fainted. 

No 2   Alice, Betty and Diana, three young women were chatting in the Park watching their babies. Then Alice suddenly told them "this morning I find out Alex's balls are cold". The day after, as the three friends met, Betty told them "You know I touched Brad's balls and found them cold too". By the next day Diana didn't show at the Park. The next day Alice and Betty came over to Diana's place she looks terrible her face was covered in bruises and her arm was in a cast. "What happened to you?" asked Betty. Diana choked for a while and then started crying and told her friends "Yesterday morning I touched Don's balls, and they were warm" so I told Don "Why are your balls warm? Brad and Alex balls are cold". "Oh then the hell's gate opened and Don gave me shit" Diana said.

No 3  Once on a rainy day, Alice, Betty and Diana were chatting about housekeeping. Alice complained "whenever I made laundry, it's raining and I can't dry the laundry outside" Diana agreed "me too". Alice continued "Betty you must be lucky, whenever you dry your stuff, it's a nice day, are you a witch?" Betty replied "When I get up in the morning I hold Brad's Dick and let him take his position, if it falls to the right, I know it will be rainy today, if to the left I get up doing the laundry". "But what if Brad's Dick, is centered?" asked Diana. "So who needs the laundry?" replied Betty. 

Advance Dirty Riddles

The Swiss Admiral Joke

Q.What's the difference between a Sucking Machine(Vacuum pump) and a Swiss Admiral?

A.The Sucking Machine sucks and sucks, and never FAIL
     And a Swiss Admiral fucks and fucks and never SAIL. 

         

Screwing vs Riveting Joke

Q. The CEO asked his secretary whats the difference between screwing and riveting?
A. She:"I have never been riveted before"


Q. Why the Grooves (cunt) were designed along and not across? 

     For these they are at least two answers:

A1- If grooves were designed across, you would hear them clapping while steps climbing!!!
Her Pussy is clapping 

A2 -The super intelligent "If the groove was built across, straddling legs shall close the groove"

Q. Does size matters?

A. Yes a nice five digits salary with a five inch Willy , is much better then a ten inch Dong with only ten bucks per hour.

Q. From Sex and the city "what is the optimal size women really need?

A. Three and one third inch long but the width must be two sixth inch.

Q. Are you kidding? how do you know?

A. Women really need an honorable Credit Card. That's better than six inch long (Bank notes).

Q. Who enjoy sex more, the male or female? proof your answer!!!

A. My Theorem "Women enjoy sex more than men" - proof  "Scratch your ear with your little  finger, now who had more fun the ear or your finger"?
More Dirty Riddles for beginners

Funny VJokes

What time is It
In The Fitting Cell

Sexmobile!

 

Bladder Fail

Bladder fail - guy gets mugged and pees!!

Schwartz is Dead

    As the mortician examined the body, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Mr Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So,he removed it , stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!

Dirty Riddles for beginners

Q. What animal holds its Dick (Schwanz=Tail) in the ground ?

A. An widow.

Q. What animal holds its Dick on her back?
A. A Police Horse.

Q. Which parameter has a greater importance, The size or the performance.
A. 90% of the Macho's will answer "size", so tell them "Here is another one not Knowing what to do"  and if you get the answer "performance" tell in a nonchalant tone "here is another guy with a mini Dick"

Q.Tom ordered a "penis enlargement kit" 7days later he received a package containing a  magnifying glass. Does he have any right to claim?

That question is better to ask women, but not your girlfriends
Q. How much should weight a man with a nine inch Dong?
A. Most of the women will leave you with no answer?..... so tell them 170lb!!!
Q. The women which will be trapped by your answer, and will ask you "how do you know?"
A. You reply "I weigh myself every morning".

Q. Flora and Donna were widows, one week they went to the tomb of their husbands. Flora always cried and Donna always peed on the grave of her husband, why?.
A. Donna replied: "each of us is crying from the place where it hurts her"