Wednesday, March 30, 2011

How Old Are You?

   Mark was a self made man. He established his business, ten years ago with his bare hands.  Three years ago, all at the sudden his business collapsed, the loan sharks pushed him to the corner and he lost his house, his wife Ann divorced and very soon he became a homeless.
   Mark became desperate, and after three months on the streets he decided to get suicide. At midnight he went to the bridge climbed up the rail, closed his eyes, raised his foot and prayed "God forgive me", he heard someone calling with a shrilled voice "Don't do this come to me". Mark opened his eyes and saw an old woman wearing rags and he got scarred. The old odd woman said to him "Come to me my son, please don't do it". So Mark asked her "who are you?". "I am the good Fairy, and I came to save your life, here is my bottle imp which will return your fortune back" replied the old woman. Mark went down and came closer to the woman. She was the ugliest creature he ever seen, she was stinking like rotten fishes, but her speech pleased him. The old Fairy continued "Just imagine all your money, factories, house and your wife and kids will return after you will open that bottle". The old Fairy proceeded "but in one condition, you must make love with me twice".
   Mark was so desperate and he agree to make love with the old witch. She grabbed him to her place, and after he finished screwing her the second time he asked her to give him the bottle  imp. He opened the cork and nothing happened. "Dear Fairy whats wrong here" Mark said "what happened to your power, and your promise?" the old woman starts laughing "how old are you man?" "I am 42 years old" Mark cried in frustration. "and my big boy, you still believe Fairy Tales?"

Ball's Scrubbing

     When Johnny comes marching home from the first Gulf war, The Governor of Missouri fixed him a job at Boeing St Louis MO. The chief Manager of the personal department interviewed Johnny, and after looking into his files, he assigned him to the final assembly Department. at building 11, you shall start at 10 a.m. each day. So Johnny asked "why at 10 a.m.?,  when do all the staff starting?".
    The Manager replied "all the company starts at 8 a.m., but they all scrubbing their balls from 8 a.m till 10 a.m" Johnny looked embarrassed, but asked him "so why shall I start at 10 a.m.?"   
The Manager explained him "according to my files you lost your balls at the Gulf war, last year, so you have nothing to do till 10 a.m."
    Johnny worked for several years and after ten years Johnny was called to the personal Manager's office "Hey Johnny how do you do with us so far?" Johnny "no complains" "Okay, Johnny from tomorrow you will start each day at 8 a.m."
Why ? asked Johnny, from tomorrow you are assigned to scrub Tommy's Balls , cause Tommy lost his hands at Afghanistan, and will start working in your department."

Gabe scratching his balls

I found that poem at the WC, NYC

Some people sit and think!
Some people make shit and stink!
But I sit, and scrub my balls,
And read the Bullshits on the walls.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Margarine Engine

    My friend Gordon has succeeded to upgraded a Wankel Engine into a semi cycle Perpetuum Mobile Hydrogen Engine using margarine instead of fuel. That prototype Engine was a big saver, since its margarine consumption was about one pound per week. Gordon installed that terrific engine into his Ford Mustang model 1970 car, and was driving without paying attention to fuel raising prices.

    But one night as he was driving in Toronto for business, his engine shuts down. Gordon found out that he is out of margarine. He opened his trunk and the margarine refrigerator, was empty too, no margarine. Gordon looked around, it was late, about 22:00 p.m no open shops were in that neighborhood so he enter the first building trying to get some help. At floors one and two no one answered his knocking, at floor three a redneck almost punched him, so Gordon climbed  to the fourth floor, ringed the door bell, no one came over but he was hearing the TV on, broadcasting a popular program, Gordon ringed again the bell and this time he pushed the door which was unlocked!!
     Gordon entered the dining room and saw the whole family father, mother and two teenager daughters, sitting and gazing at him without saying a word. Gordon started "Good evening, can you help me, I need margarine" no one replied???, so he repeated "will you helping me with some margarine" again no one of the family replied?? Okay now you remember my friend Gordon? he became horny while looking on the house lady, he took and laid her on the sofa and made a quickie. Silence in the apartment, no one cried or said anything, and Gordon repeated another quickie with the one of the good looking girls, again silence no one even mumbled.
Now Gordon ask the other girl to allow him another quickie, after they were coming, Gordon repeated "now for God sake bring me some margarine".
    The father now stand up and said "Okay, I will take the puppy out for a walk" 

Remember the Last Tango in Paris? The butter Scene

Last Tango In Paris Trailer 


Thursday, March 3, 2011

Fifteen cents Jokes

   The Criminology school at UCPM (College Park) is one of the world's top ten. The Professor had conducted an oral exam. The students were asked to offer an approach "how to prevent teenagers using drugs"
   Marty the most brilliant student draw out two coins, a dime (10 cents) and a quarter (25 cents) and then showing on the quarter "that's your brain before using, and it will shrink to a dime size while using" all the students applauded, "brilliant, I like your approach" said the professor.
   Now Gordon from the NYPD who have ten years experience on the NYC streets said: "Okay, that's fine, but I would use those two coins in a better approach", the professor disliked Gordon because he was snoozing during his lectures, but let him continue. Gordon said "your ass hole is a dime size now, but after you get out of Jail, it will become like a quarter" Oh, The professor had to admit that Gordon's answer is better than Marty's. 
The Butyrka Band  (Butyrka is a famous Prison in Moscow)

    Dee went to the Minister and asked him she wanted a divorce.                                                    Minister: "Tell me please, what happened, you just married Don last year?"
Dee: "My ass hole was the size of a dime before marriage and now it has become a quarter"
Minister: "Dear Dee, what's the matter, you shouldn't divorce just because of 15 cents"