Buckets of Water

On our Cadet ship we had so many drills during the week, but now let me tell you about the fire drill. When someone new arrived, Gordon used to make fun of him.                         

Gordon: "How many buckets can you fetch to the fire zone?"

Bob Jr.: "Two, one in each hand"

Gordon:"I can carry Three" 

Bob Jr.:"How can you carry three?"

Gordon: "One in each hand and the third on my Dong!!!"

Bob Jr.:"Okay, Then I will carry three buckets full of water too"

Gordon:"Well, well, so now I will carry five!!!"

Bob Jr.:"Five? how come?"

Gordon:"Two in my hands and you on my Dong"

Listen to my Favorite Naval Song!!! God Bless the Sailors all over the Huge Oceans

 

Read more about Gordon in the previous post "Connect Two"

Connect Two

   Gordon sailed with us for eighteen months on a Cadet ship. He used to train his Dong every day, by hanging a bucket on it and adding pints of water into the bucket. Gordon always was teasing the staff to bet who can hold the bucket with the most amount of water. He always won the bets.  

   One day we docked at Cadiz port, Spain. We got off the ship and Gordon picked up a whore, and went to her room. He asked her "how much is a regular fuck?" she told him one hundred bucks. Gordon asked her "How much for a blow job?" the Prostitute replied "for you 200 bucks." "Okay, give me a blow job" he said, as he took out his wallet to pay her, she noticed his wallet is full of dough. The whore took his cloths off and as Gordon pushed his Dong into the hooker's maw, suddenly she clenched her teeth tightly like a Crocodile and told him "give me the wallet or I'll cut your cock into two parts!!" What choice had the poor Dude, he gave her the money and bolted back to the ship.

   Four months later we returned to Cadiz. Gordon found the whore which of course couldn't remember him. Gordon took her to her room, asked her "how much for a regular?" she told him one hundred bucks. Gordon then asked her "How much for an anal sex?" the whore replied "for you 400 bucks". "Okay, I like an anal sex" Gordon paid the whore. As he was inside he curved his Dong, telling the whore "give me my money back, or I'm gonna to connect your two tunnels into one" 

Sex Dictionary

    Everybody heard about the book One Thousand and One Nights  the Synopsis (see the Wikipedia site) The main frame story concerns a Persian king and his new bride. He is shocked to discover that his brother's wife is unfaithful; discovering his own wife's infidelity has been even more flagrant, he has her executed: but in his bitterness and grief decides that all women are the same. The king, Shahryar, begins to marry a succession of virgins only to execute each one the next morning, before she has a chance to dishonor him. Eventually the vizier, whose duty it is to provide them, cannot find any more virgins. Scheherazade, the vizier's daughter, offers herself as the next bride and her father reluctantly agrees. On the night of their marriage, Scheherazade begins to tell the king a tale, but does not end it. The king is thus forced to postpone her execution in order to hear the conclusion. The next night, as soon as she finishes the tale, she begins (and only begins) a new one, and the king, eager to hear the conclusion, postpones her execution once again. So it goes on for 1,001 nights.The tales vary widely: they include historical tales, love stories, tragedies, comedies, poems, burlesques and various forms of erotica. 

   I brought you this introduction to introduce the Arabic linguistic richness of male and female genitalia.   Scheherazade, told the king, that the Arabic language uses about one thousand names for the penis, but less then one hundred for the female's vagina? Today many western languages, are using dozens of names calling the penis, in English one can find about 125 names. 
Now as we know, Donna Juanita had great experience with many males, and she sort the males private parts into seven main categories:
1. Penis - shorter than three  inch. use it to pee only.
2. Willy - about four inch. its good enough for all practical purposes. 
3. Dick - about five inch. most women feels very comfortable with him. 
4. Chode (Choad) - about five inch but about six inch circumference.

5. Cock (Sausage) - about six inch and about five inch circumference.
6. Ding Dong - remind her a pencil about eight inch long and about four inch circumference.
7. Dong (Dork) - longer than nine inch with a six inch circumference. most women dislike  
    Dongs,  but Donna Juanita is still searching for.

Dudes don't worry about your size even Donna Juanita, prefer your Credit Card, she will hide it in her cha-cha and will call you "OMG I am shopping" 

Donna Juanita

     Don Juan was very famous in our town, as a libertine who takes great pleasure in seducing women, they fell in love, but none of them hooked him. Don made love with many women, he acted like a rooster, handling his chickens. he try his luck with most of the women in town, young old, pretty, nice he really don't care.
    One day he had met a charming girl named Donna Juanita. And he tried very hard to get a lay. Donna Juanita played her game, and she didn't allow him even to get close enough, she allowed him, just kissing her hand. After a courtship period of two years, Don get mad, and decided to marry with Donna. After the wedding ceremony was over finally Don took Dona to the bed room.
    Don undressed revealing his private parts, Donna looked so shy, and Don started to explain her, the facts of life, and what will happen next. Don showed her his penis and told her "this is my Dong which will meet your groove". Donna cried "That's not a Dong, that's a penis". Don Juan tried again to explain her he has a Dong. Donna continued crying  "your penis is good for pee, I needs a real Dong, not a penis like that"!!! ..............To be continued.....

Three Women Jokes

No 1   Alice, Betty and Carol, three young women were sitting, at the neighborhood coffee shop having their weekly meeting. Then Alice starts telling them "Alex my husband, stop having sex with me". I asked him "what's up?" but Alex told me "I am in stress now, leave me alone". So the other night, I caught Alex masturbating while watching porn movies. Betty asked her "how did you respond?" Alice told them she will shop some sexy Lingerie, maybe that will be the trigger.

   Betty then told her friends, she had found a pack of condoms at her husband Brad's suit. Betty continued telling them "It's funny because I am taking pills, and we never used condoms". "So how did you respond?" wondered Alice. "I pierced each of them with a needle" replied Betty. By hearing this Carol fainted. 

No 2   Alice, Betty and Diana, three young women were chatting in the Park watching their babies. Then Alice suddenly told them "this morning I find out Alex's balls are cold". The day after, as the three friends met, Betty told them "You know I touched Brad's balls and found them cold too". By the next day Diana didn't show at the Park. The next day Alice and Betty came over to Diana's place she looks terrible her face was covered in bruises and her arm was in a cast. "What happened to you?" asked Betty. Diana choked for a while and then started crying and told her friends "Yesterday morning I touched Don's balls, and they were warm" so I told Don "Why are your balls warm? Brad and Alex balls are cold". "Oh then the hell's gate opened and Don gave me shit" Diana said.

No 3  Once on a rainy day, Alice, Betty and Diana were chatting about housekeeping. Alice complained "whenever I made laundry, it's raining and I can't dry the laundry outside" Diana agreed "me too". Alice continued "Betty you must be lucky, whenever you dry your stuff, it's a nice day, are you a witch?" Betty replied "When I get up in the morning I hold Brad's Dick and let him take his position, if it falls to the right, I know it will be rainy today, if to the left I get up doing the laundry". "But what if Brad's Dick, is centered?" asked Diana. "So who needs the laundry?" replied Betty. 

Advance Dirty Riddles

The Swiss Admiral Joke

Q.What's the difference between a Sucking Machine(Vacuum pump) and a Swiss Admiral?

A.The Sucking Machine sucks and sucks, and never FAIL
     And a Swiss Admiral fucks and fucks and never SAIL. 

         

Screwing vs Riveting Joke

Q. The CEO asked his secretary whats the difference between screwing and riveting?
A. She:"I have never been riveted before"


Q. Why the Grooves (cunt) were designed along and not across? 

     For these they are at least two answers:

A1- If grooves were designed across, you would hear them clapping while steps climbing!!!
Her Pussy is clapping 

A2 -The super intelligent "If the groove was built across, straddling legs shall close the groove"

Q. Does size matters?

A. Yes a nice five digits salary with a five inch Willy , is much better then a ten inch Dong with only ten bucks per hour.

Q. From Sex and the city "what is the optimal size women really need?

A. Three and one third inch long but the width must be two sixth inch.

Q. Are you kidding? how do you know?

A. Women really need an honorable Credit Card. That's better than six inch long (Bank notes).

Q. Who enjoy sex more, the male or female? proof your answer!!!

A. My Theorem "Women enjoy sex more than men" - proof  "Scratch your ear with your little  finger, now who had more fun the ear or your finger"?
More Dirty Riddles for beginners

Funny VJokes

What time is It
In The Fitting Cell

Sexmobile!

 

Bladder Fail

Bladder fail - guy gets mugged and pees!!

Schwartz is Dead

    As the mortician examined the body, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Mr Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So,he removed it , stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!

Dirty Riddles for beginners

Q. What animal holds its Dick (Schwanz=Tail) in the ground ?

A. An widow.

Q. What animal holds its Dick on her back?
A. A Police Horse.

Q. Which parameter has a greater importance, The size or the performance.
A. 90% of the Macho's will answer "size", so tell them "Here is another one not Knowing what to do"  and if you get the answer "performance" tell in a nonchalant tone "here is another guy with a mini Dick"

Q.Tom ordered a "penis enlargement kit" 7days later he received a package containing a  magnifying glass. Does he have any right to claim?

That question is better to ask women, but not your girlfriends
Q. How much should weight a man with a nine inch Dong?
A. Most of the women will leave you with no answer?..... so tell them 170lb!!!
Q. The women which will be trapped by your answer, and will ask you "how do you know?"
A. You reply "I weigh myself every morning".

Q. Flora and Donna were widows, one week they went to the tomb of their husbands. Flora always cried and Donna always peed on the grave of her husband, why?.
A. Donna replied: "each of us is crying from the place where it hurts her"