Rule Of Thumb

  Check your boyfriend's penis and be sure that his size is per that rule of thumb.
This rule my uncle Thomas use as a joke or as a compliment, especially if he need to bribe a short man.

- "But shorty have always a long one"

Source 

Angela Merkel the Chancellor of Germany like very much that witz and she trap most of the politician she met.
But here she tell it also to Ms Hillary Clinton and make her laughing.

"Tall men always have a short penis, but on the other hand shorty have a long dick" - LOL

The Nude Camp - Part Seven

   I tried to imagine, what will happened to Muslims which will experience a vacation in a nude camp. Do you know are they any nude camps out of Turkey in the Muslim countries like Egypt, Morocco, Tunisia, Algeria, Malaysia etc.
   Turkey nude camps might now be dangerous for the Muslims. The ISIS regime might spread into Turkey and lit a revolution promising the people better life. They might adopt some communism ideas and connect them together . Now also some of the swingers clubs in the Middle East should beware. The men might get only a short warn, but the women will be executed.

  Bobby and Mikey his five year old son were walking around the nude camp. Suddenly  Mikey say Hello to a stranger. Bobby asked Mikey "Do you know that man?" "yes" replied Mikey "he is our Janitor". Bobby ask "what do you mean Janitor?" Mikey smiled "each time you are on a business trip, the janitor knocked our door, and asked Mom, is the territory clean"

 

Gamblers Advice

   My friend Gordon is spending each year a great vacation in one of Las Vegas Hotels. He works hard all year around, making many overtime hours and earns about ten grands which are dedicated for gambling. Last year he lost all his dough by hustlers including his credit cards and the last one hundred bucks note he kept for the transportation. 
   He went out to the front of the Hotel and asked a cab driver to help him. He told him shortly how a whore robbed all his money and promised him a double fee by the mail.
The cabbie said “get lost” Gordon have no choice rather to walk to the airport and finally arrived home.

   The next year Gordon returned to Vegas and this time he was very lucky. he makes about 25 grands and quit before changing his winning luck. When he checked out looking for a cab he noticed that about dozen cabs were waiting for passengers. 

(The photo for illustration only)

Source

he recognized the rude driver from the precious year, waiting at the end. Gordon asked the first cab driver “How much for a ride to the airport fix price,” he asked?
“Twenty bucks,” came the reply.
“And I am always horny with cab drivers, how much for giving  me a blowjob?” Gordon smiled and winked.
“Faggot get lost!!”
Gordon tried this with all the cabbies and all were giving him hell. finally he entered the last cab and told the driver: "last year I was broke and you refused helping me, this year I was lucky so I''ll tipping you here are 30 bucks take me to my plane."
As they pass the cabs in the lane, all the cabbies  call "Jeff you are a faggot" and show the middle finger-up sign to him.

Source



I traveled to London last month and I searched for a casino where I can spend a pleasant evening with my wife (she loves playing the roulette) -  Gordon sent me a great link. I checked this android app: CasinoTrip.
it is a cool app that helped me locate and find the nearest casino and how to get there - it even helped me navigate my way through the streets of London.
from their website  I can see they have information from all over the world. Neat site and a great app - I totally recommend it to anyone who travels and likes to visit a casino.

The Bet

Gordon and Bobby made a bet, Gordon declare "My dick is longer then your pussycat's tail"
Okay Bobby measure the tail and found it is 14 inch, but Gordon's dong was found to be only ten inches!?.
Gordon shook his head and say "you should use the same rules, you measure the cat's tail from the asshole, so you should measure mine"
Gordon's Dong asshole to front was 16 inches. Please impress your girlfriends with this ask them to measure your dick.

Source

Berlusconi's Jokes

Rome vs Ottoman 
My friend Gordon heard that episode three years ago at a very famous Turkish Hamam. The former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi and the Turkish PM Erdoğan 

were arguing some historical facts. Berlusconi mentions that the ancient Rome Empire conquered half of the ancient world including Constantinople (Istanbul today). PM
Erdoğan told him about the Ottoman Empire which was ruling huge lands in Southern and Central Europe and the Middle East, for almost 450 years. PM Erdoğan remind him also the the Turkish people are belonging to the Hittites which became an Empire almost 18 hundred years before the Rome Empire. Now PM Berlusconi challenged the game which of them owned a king size dick. The Turkish PM then refuse reveal his tail, so he snaps "we invented Sex" PM Berlusconi gave him his punchline "I agree that your people invented Sex, but we were the first to screw females"
p.s. Midnight Express - link

Pussy Whipped 
Why Berlusconi became a pussy's whipped? cause one day he returned home 
After playing on the playground at school, little Silvio came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog.

Confused, little Silvio then went to his father. "Dad, what's a pussy?" Tony felt that it is time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a woman's legs. Little Silvio then proceeds, "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle." Source

The Last Kiss

   My Grandma used to say "Radieschen muss Weinen" (radish should cry). I love to zip my beers with nice slices of radish, some times that convert my stomach to a compressor and I can't stop trumping. Some of us must walk away from these kinds of food like radish, chickpeas, beans and cauliflower.
  So our story starts last night in a pickup bar, where Gordon and Glenda decided to stay at Glenda's place. They were screwing all night now watch the end. 

What the hell she has to say after he left?
p.s I can't stop laughing for minutes, it's one of the best VJokes.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus 

Anything you can do, I can do better!!!

 Nag, Nag, Nag and Punch    
   A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me.
   "Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

credit to http://gotaf.socialtwist.com/redirect?l=fv2o

Old Whorehouse at St Denis

    Bobby is a 35 years old guy, and he is still a virgin. Finally on his 36 birthday he decided to get rid of his fears and shame. So he headed to Paris to buy a good lay at Rue Saint-Denis. Rue Saint-Denis is well known all over the world as a place with the best whores of Europe. one more important detail about Bobby, he is a miser, and rarely spend a penny on clothes, beers, entertainment etc.
    The concierge at his two star Hotel gave him an address and now he was walking the streets to get to the whorehouse. Bobby went into the lobby and didn't sip the beverages served by the waiters and found himself looking the signs on the walls. leading him to two huge doors. On the first door he saw a sign "Big Cocks" and the other sign "Small Willies". Bobby muttered to himself "I know mine is a small size" so he head the left corridor, after walking about 100 steps, he came to a junction left and right the signs here shows <500 Euro right>and < 200 Euro left>. Okay guess which was Bobby's choice? so again he walked a long corridor watching the signs on the doors. 200 Euro, 180 Euro and to the end of the corridor he stopped and hesitated for a minute in front of a door with a tag of 130 Euro. Then he saw two more signs at the junction. The signs here shows cheaper rates <100 Euro right> and <50 Euro left>. Bobby took the left corridor walking along 50 Euro doors, 25 Euro doors and than finally he found himself in the street. As the heavy gate closed behind, he saw a sign "If you have nor MONEY neither DICK - GO FUCK YOURSELF"

Red Light District

   Fuck Them All
   The driver stop the bus and 36 young Persian teenagers went out off the bus, their guide shows them the Red Light District and told them to be back in the bus two hours later. The leader of the group had tailored a nice deal 1500 Euro for the all group. The boys entered one after the other, and after an hour the sucky fucky was over.
   The hooker ran quickly to deposit the money in the bank. The clerk checks the bills and notice that all the notes are fake money. She turns to the hooker and says "I assume they screwed you."
The hooker replied "Really Is that how I look?"

The Red Light District tour

How Much?
   A team of Polish contractors arrived once to Amsterdam, for a professional  meeting. Two of the team walked around searching the streets, finally they entered the Red Light District when suddenly Vladek, notices all the nice windows with the working girls petting their cats. He stops by one closed window, evaluate it then he knocked it twice, when the hooker opened it Vladek asked her "what does this cost ??!!".And the hooker replies,"50 Euro for one 80 Euro for two!!" Than Vladek told Lech ,"Hmm, you see I told you the prices here for double glaze insulated windows are cheaper than in Warsaw".

The Kid in the Glazier Scene

The Horny Donkey

    Little Johnny was playing at the ranch with his dog. Suddenly he heard the donkey braying, so Johnny noticed something new the donkey had grown a fifth leg. Little Johnny ran into the shed grabbed out his Dad and asked him about this phenomenon. 

    Dad told him "it looks like our donkey suffers of a donkeys flu, we will call the vet tomorrow" 

The next day once again Johnny noticed the fifth leg phenomenon he called Mom and told her "our donkey looks very ill". Mother came out of the kitchen watched carefully the donkey and finally asked "How do you know this Johnny?" Johnny replied "Dad told me that the donkey have a donkeys flu"  Mom laughed and told Johnny "the donkey is Okay, I wish Dad will have that kind of donkeys flu"

Here you see the fifth leg
Don't worry that's a piece of Photoshop job.

     

Connect Two

   Gordon sailed with us for eighteen months on a Cadet ship. He used to train his Dong every day, by hanging a bucket on it and adding pints of water into the bucket. Gordon always was teasing the staff to bet who can hold the bucket with the most amount of water. He always won the bets.  

   One day we docked at Cadiz port, Spain. We got off the ship and Gordon picked up a whore, and went to her room. He asked her "how much is a regular fuck?" she told him one hundred bucks. Gordon asked her "How much for a blow job?" the Prostitute replied "for you 200 bucks." "Okay, give me a blow job" he said, as he took out his wallet to pay her, she noticed his wallet is full of dough. The whore took his cloths off and as Gordon pushed his Dong into the hooker's maw, suddenly she clenched her teeth tightly like a Crocodile and told him "give me the wallet or I'll cut your cock into two parts!!" What choice had the poor Dude, he gave her the money and bolted back to the ship.

   Four months later we returned to Cadiz. Gordon found the whore which of course couldn't remember him. Gordon took her to her room, asked her "how much for a regular?" she told him one hundred bucks. Gordon then asked her "How much for an anal sex?" the whore replied "for you 400 bucks". "Okay, I like an anal sex" Gordon paid the whore. As he was inside he curved his Dong, telling the whore "give me my money back, or I'm gonna to connect your two tunnels into one" 

Sex Dictionary

    Everybody heard about the book One Thousand and One Nights  the Synopsis (see the Wikipedia site) The main frame story concerns a Persian king and his new bride. He is shocked to discover that his brother's wife is unfaithful; discovering his own wife's infidelity has been even more flagrant, he has her executed: but in his bitterness and grief decides that all women are the same. The king, Shahryar, begins to marry a succession of virgins only to execute each one the next morning, before she has a chance to dishonor him. Eventually the vizier, whose duty it is to provide them, cannot find any more virgins. Scheherazade, the vizier's daughter, offers herself as the next bride and her father reluctantly agrees. On the night of their marriage, Scheherazade begins to tell the king a tale, but does not end it. The king is thus forced to postpone her execution in order to hear the conclusion. The next night, as soon as she finishes the tale, she begins (and only begins) a new one, and the king, eager to hear the conclusion, postpones her execution once again. So it goes on for 1,001 nights.The tales vary widely: they include historical tales, love stories, tragedies, comedies, poems, burlesques and various forms of erotica. 

   I brought you this introduction to introduce the Arabic linguistic richness of male and female genitalia.   Scheherazade, told the king, that the Arabic language uses about one thousand names for the penis, but less then one hundred for the female's vagina? Today many western languages, are using dozens of names calling the penis, in English one can find about 125 names. 
Now as we know, Donna Juanita had great experience with many males, and she sort the males private parts into seven main categories:
1. Penis - shorter than three  inch. use it to pee only.
2. Willy - about four inch. its good enough for all practical purposes. 
3. Dick - about five inch. most women feels very comfortable with him. 
4. Chode (Choad) - about five inch but about six inch circumference.

5. Cock (Sausage) - about six inch and about five inch circumference.
6. Ding Dong - remind her a pencil about eight inch long and about four inch circumference.
7. Dong (Dork) - longer than nine inch with a six inch circumference. most women dislike  
    Dongs,  but Donna Juanita is still searching for.

Dudes don't worry about your size even Donna Juanita, prefer your Credit Card, she will hide it in her cha-cha and will call you "OMG I am shopping" 

Donna Juanita

     Don Juan was very famous in our town, as a libertine who takes great pleasure in seducing women, they fell in love, but none of them hooked him. Don made love with many women, he acted like a rooster, handling his chickens. he try his luck with most of the women in town, young old, pretty, nice he really don't care.
    One day he had met a charming girl named Donna Juanita. And he tried very hard to get a lay. Donna Juanita played her game, and she didn't allow him even to get close enough, she allowed him, just kissing her hand. After a courtship period of two years, Don get mad, and decided to marry with Donna. After the wedding ceremony was over finally Don took Dona to the bed room.
    Don undressed revealing his private parts, Donna looked so shy, and Don started to explain her, the facts of life, and what will happen next. Don showed her his penis and told her "this is my Dong which will meet your groove". Donna cried "That's not a Dong, that's a penis". Don Juan tried again to explain her he has a Dong. Donna continued crying  "your penis is good for pee, I needs a real Dong, not a penis like that"!!! ..............To be continued.....

Three Women Jokes

No 1   Alice, Betty and Carol, three young women were sitting, at the neighborhood coffee shop having their weekly meeting. Then Alice starts telling them "Alex my husband, stop having sex with me". I asked him "what's up?" but Alex told me "I am in stress now, leave me alone". So the other night, I caught Alex masturbating while watching porn movies. Betty asked her "how did you respond?" Alice told them she will shop some sexy Lingerie, maybe that will be the trigger.

   Betty then told her friends, she had found a pack of condoms at her husband Brad's suit. Betty continued telling them "It's funny because I am taking pills, and we never used condoms". "So how did you respond?" wondered Alice. "I pierced each of them with a needle" replied Betty. By hearing this Carol fainted. 

No 2   Alice, Betty and Diana, three young women were chatting in the Park watching their babies. Then Alice suddenly told them "this morning I find out Alex's balls are cold". The day after, as the three friends met, Betty told them "You know I touched Brad's balls and found them cold too". By the next day Diana didn't show at the Park. The next day Alice and Betty came over to Diana's place she looks terrible her face was covered in bruises and her arm was in a cast. "What happened to you?" asked Betty. Diana choked for a while and then started crying and told her friends "Yesterday morning I touched Don's balls, and they were warm" so I told Don "Why are your balls warm? Brad and Alex balls are cold". "Oh then the hell's gate opened and Don gave me shit" Diana said.

No 3  Once on a rainy day, Alice, Betty and Diana were chatting about housekeeping. Alice complained "whenever I made laundry, it's raining and I can't dry the laundry outside" Diana agreed "me too". Alice continued "Betty you must be lucky, whenever you dry your stuff, it's a nice day, are you a witch?" Betty replied "When I get up in the morning I hold Brad's Dick and let him take his position, if it falls to the right, I know it will be rainy today, if to the left I get up doing the laundry". "But what if Brad's Dick, is centered?" asked Diana. "So who needs the laundry?" replied Betty. 

Advance Dirty Riddles

The Swiss Admiral Joke

Q.What's the difference between a Sucking Machine(Vacuum pump) and a Swiss Admiral?

A.The Sucking Machine sucks and sucks, and never FAIL
     And a Swiss Admiral fucks and fucks and never SAIL. 

         

Screwing vs Riveting Joke

Q. The CEO asked his secretary whats the difference between screwing and riveting?
A. She:"I have never been riveted before"


Q. Why the Grooves (cunt) were designed along and not across? 

     For these they are at least two answers:

A1- If grooves were designed across, you would hear them clapping while steps climbing!!!
Her Pussy is clapping 

A2 -The super intelligent "If the groove was built across, straddling legs shall close the groove"

Q. Does size matters?

A. Yes a nice five digits salary with a five inch Willy , is much better then a ten inch Dong with only ten bucks per hour.

Q. From Sex and the city "what is the optimal size women really need?

A. Three and one third inch long but the width must be two sixth inch.

Q. Are you kidding? how do you know?

A. Women really need an honorable Credit Card. That's better than six inch long (Bank notes).

Q. Who enjoy sex more, the male or female? proof your answer!!!

A. My Theorem "Women enjoy sex more than men" - proof  "Scratch your ear with your little  finger, now who had more fun the ear or your finger"?
More Dirty Riddles for beginners

Schwartz is Dead

    As the mortician examined the body, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Mr Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So,he removed it , stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!

Dirty Riddles for beginners

Q. What animal holds its Dick (Schwanz=Tail) in the ground ?

A. An widow.

Q. What animal holds its Dick on her back?
A. A Police Horse.

Q. Which parameter has a greater importance, The size or the performance.
A. 90% of the Macho's will answer "size", so tell them "Here is another one not Knowing what to do"  and if you get the answer "performance" tell in a nonchalant tone "here is another guy with a mini Dick"

Q.Tom ordered a "penis enlargement kit" 7days later he received a package containing a  magnifying glass. Does he have any right to claim?

That question is better to ask women, but not your girlfriends
Q. How much should weight a man with a nine inch Dong?
A. Most of the women will leave you with no answer?..... so tell them 170lb!!!
Q. The women which will be trapped by your answer, and will ask you "how do you know?"
A. You reply "I weigh myself every morning".

Q. Flora and Donna were widows, one week they went to the tomb of their husbands. Flora always cried and Donna always peed on the grave of her husband, why?.
A. Donna replied: "each of us is crying from the place where it hurts her"